"Yan, are you okay?"
Christian stands over me, dripping wet and wrapped at the waist with a towel.
"You're getting water on my bed," I say monotonously.
I've been lying here since Winter left. I feel horrible. It's not even true...
"Well okay then." He sounds pissed off, but I don't care. He disappears in to the bathroom again and slams the door. I'm thinking he's forgotten about last night's boner incident.
I lean over and grab my phone from the night stand, my thumb hovering over the idle screen. I want to text him. I want to apologise. Should I? What if he ignores me? That will kill me.
I check my instant messenger, to see if he's online. He isn't, but I leave a message anyway.
Yan: I really didn't mean what I said. Please, I need to know everything is okay... with us.
> Sent at 12.09pm.
I wait.
I listen to Christian singing quietly as he preens himself. It's some old pop song that I can't put my finger on. Probably one he dances to when he's at the drag club...
My phone makes a quiet bleep, indicating a read message. Winter!
> Seen at 12.11pm.
I stare at the screen. Time passes.
12.12pm.
12.15pm.
12.20pm.
He's not responding.
Yan: Please, Winter. I'm sorry. Come over later so we can talk?
> Sent at 12.22pm.
> Seen at 12.22pm.
And time ticks by. I throw my phone across the room in frustration and it lands in a pile of clothes by the door. Why won't he talk to me...
But of course I know why. I did a horrible thing. And why did I try and make him feel bad about Andrei? He can do what he likes... I don't want him to, but he can. A niggling thought forces its way to the surface of my inner monologue.
Oh, I miss him...
No. I don't miss him. I hate him. He led me astray from Allan and Satou, turned me in to some... sex fiend.
Chis pops his head around the door. "Are you done being a diva yet?"
Said the pot to the kettle.
"Whatever. Let's get some food."
*
Chris and me part ways after lunch. He could probably tell what a foul mood I'm in, and made an excuse to go home. Which is surprising given how much he hates being at home. His dad is a complete asshole and barely speaks to him, which causes his mother not to say much to him either. That's why he stays at my house so much. He may as well get his own room, at this rate.
I haven't looked at my messages all afternoon. I'm too nervous. I can't stand the idea of Winter ignoring me, but I need to see...
I dart up the stairs to my room to retrieve my phone from the pile, sighing with relief that the soiled pants aren't in it. That would have been really disgusting...
The red light in the corner is flashing. I have a message!
Winter: Okay. I'll come over in an hour.
> Sent at 12.30pm.
AN HOUR? I check the time.
It's nearly half one, which means...
The doorbell sounds, as if on cue. You can't make this shit up... I quickly check myself in the mirror; hair still up, but he thinks it's cute... t-shirt is a bit crumpled... jeans are also crumpled... I'm a mess.
I hear Maddie answer the door, and a muffled conversation, inviting the guest in. And then footsteps on the stares.
Oh God, oh GOD.
I pick up the dirty clothing pile and throw it in the cupboard, and dart to open the window. He's not even in the room and I feel hot and claustrophobic. What am I doing, what am I doing?
A knock on the door. "...Yan? Are you in there?"
"Um, yeah, come in." Oh God, oh God, oh God. My whole body is shaking as he opens the door. I have to stop myself kissing him out of habit.
"You wanted to talk?"
He stands at the door, leaving it open, and crosses his arms. His tone is almost bored, like he doesn't want to be here, and it kills me a little inside.
"Close the door, I don't want Maddie to hear us talking."
He rolls his eyes at me childishly, and pushes the door shut. "Why? I can't imagine what exactly we're going to talk about that's going to take long. There's nothing to catch, remember?"
"Winter, I said I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I--"
"But you did. And it's okay. I get it, you're taken and I need to back off. It was just a little fling. It's my own fault for getting so attached to you, but it was hard not to..."
I can see him softening already. "No, that's not--"
"I don't think you really... you don't notice stuff, do you?" He stares at me with those cold blue eyes of his.
"W-what do you mean?"
He sighs. "You weren't just... a random choice."
The first time it happened was at a party. One of the guys from Christian's biology class was throwing a party to celebrate the end of the school year. Of course, we just had to go. But on the night, Chris came down with food poisoning. I was devastated, I was so ready to get drunk and forget about school. I decided to go anyway, alone. I knew pretty much everyone in that class anyway, and I was bound to find someone to speak to. But instead of finding someone I knew, Winter found me. I've seen you around, you're in my English class, right? he said. I nodded yes and he got me a beer, and passed me the joint that was circulating. I'd heard a lot about Winter. He was quiet, but he had a reputation. I heard he'd already been with a few guys in the year, as well as some in the year above, and even from college out of town. He wasn't quite as notorious as Andrei, but he'd made a name for himself. Even Satou knew who he was - he never said how - which was really shocking. Anyway, even in my drunken state, or maybe because of it, he seemed to glow. He was the most beautiful person there, even more so than any of the girls. He started telling me what he thought of the book we'd had to study the last semester, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. He spoke so passionately about it, but I couldn't say I had really paid much attention to it when we were reading it. Just the animation in his voice and face was truly amazing. I'm boring you, aren't I? he said. No, no of course not...I like watching you talk, I said back. He smiled, a wonderful bashful smile. Pink flushed on his cheeks as he took a sip from his beer, and my heart jumped in my chest. I wanted to kiss him then, but I couldn't, not with everyone around us. I'm going to get some fresh air, I said, half-invitingly. I don't really know what I was thinking, but I know I wasn't thinking about Allan or Satou. They ceased to exist at the party. When we got outside, and I was puffing on a cigarette, with the breeze hitting my face and the alcohol well and truly working, I asked him Is it true what they say about you? He laughed a little at my question. I think it's a bit exaggerated...I don't have that much game, he answered honestly. I smiled, exhaling a cloud of menthol into the air. Why? Am I giving you that impression of me? he asked. No, I was just...curious, I said, looking up at him. God, he was so beautiful. He seemed to fit in perfectly with the moonlight. I stared at him a long time, and he stared back. You're really cute, is all he said, and then he kissed me. I dropped my cigarette and let it burn on the concrete as his tongue slipped inside my mouth, making my knees weak and my body hot. He pulled my body into his, and I could feel his hardness. My hands found a mind of their own, and started pulling at his clothes. I needed him. Yan...here? I nodded, pulling his hand and lead him into the unattended garage, and towards a thankfully unlocked car. What if someone catches us? he said, his breathing unsteady as I pulled off his shirt. I ignored his question though, and devoured his lips again. He pulled at my sweater, and I pushed him inside the car. I couldn't get his pants off quick enough, the windows already starting to steam up, and soon he was on top of me and inside me, our lips only parting to bite skin or cry out quietly, my hands grasped at his hair, his back, the seat cushions. Afterwards, he held me... brushing my hair out of my face, he said Yan, you're so beautiful. I melted for him then.
And I melt now, as he looks at me intensely, and I remember that first time, and how amazing he felt.
But I can't do this. I need to fight it because if I go back, I can't face myself. I can't face Allan, Satou, even Christian.
"I don't care what kind of choice it was, Winter," I say, a slight harshness to my tone. I brought him here to apologise, but I can feel myself getting defensive. "It doesn't concern me now..."
He nods. "Yeah. I know. I just wanted you to... know how I felt."
I so badly want to touch him. I want him inside me right now.
He hasn't moved from his spot by the door. There is such a distance between us that it's uncomfortable. "Winter, I'm... I don't know what to do!"
Well that was sudden. I can feel words coming... words I really don't want to say, but they want to be said. "I... I don't know what's happening."
He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. "Yan, I--"
"I'm mad that you slept with Andrei, and I'm mad that you make me mad about it!"
"Well--"
"Why? Why go to him?"
"You made it very clear that you don't want me anymore, what was I supposed to do?"
"Control yourself!" I realise how dumb I must sound to him.
"Right so... let me get this straight." He crosses his arms. "You don't want me, but no one else can have me either."
I swallow. "Yes." A lie. I want him so badly.
He rolls his eyes and scowls. "You're fucking crazy, you know that?" He puts his hand on the door handle and turns it. "Enjoy the rest of your weekend."
I stand and watch him walk out the door for the second time today.
I don't want him to leave...
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