Sunlight streams through the gap between the poorly drawn curtains, disrupting my already fitful sleep. My eyes flicker open and shut, expecting the hangover to hit. I wait for it. My eyes hurt. My legs hurt. But I feel no sickness.
A wave of nostalgia... I feel uneasy as I try to remember a dream that's floating in my subconscious, but it won't come to me. What the hell was it?
I feel a body move next to mine, sighing gently, and snuggling into me. I'm not surprised when I roll over to see Christian's sleeping face. Immediately, my heart fills with affection for him, like usual. But then I'm struck by a strange feeling.
Did I have a dream about Chris last night? I stare at his face intently. Apparently, he can feel my gaze; his eyes flutter open, flashing green, and he smiles a little at me.
"Good morning..." he murmurs.
This isn't like other mornings. Something is different; in Christian's eyes, his voice. It triggers a memory.
"Just kiss me."
"Chris... what... happened last night?"
Immediately his smile fades, and his warm expression turns cold, his voice sharp. "You... you don't remember?" I can hear the hurt in his voice.
What the hell happened? I hesitate. "I... don't think so."
He's biting his lip in that way he does when he's trying not to cry. His eyes look like big green leaves dotted with morning dew. A tear rolls down the side of his face and into the pillow.
"You're an asshole," he chokes out before turning over and getting out of the bed. He starts grabbing his clothes.
I sit up, still a little baffled. "Chris, I really can't remem--"
"We had sex, Yan." He turns and barks at me. "I'm glad last night was memorable for you!" He's pulling on his skinny jeans as angrily as you can imagine an angry person pulling on skinny jeans.
"Yan, I really like you..." "Just fuck me... harder."
Oh my God. We had sex. We had sex. WE HAD SEX.
Inside, I am screaming. I'm screaming because Christian's my best friend. I'm screaming because he is upset. I'm screaming because I don't want to lose him. I am screaming because this is the worst thing I could have done. He's pulling on his sweater. But all I can think to say is: "Shit."
"Shit?!" He turns. "That's all you can say?!" His tears drag out whatever was left from last night's eyeliner from his eyes and trails it down his face. "What is wrong with you?!"
"Chris, I'm..." Regretful? "I'm sorry!"
This is possibly the worst thing I could have said. Chris' tearful glare cuts into me, like the knife he feels stabbing him in the heart.
"So I guess it meant nothing to you, then?" he asks. I feel this isn't so much a question as it is a statement, but for some reason, I think it's a good idea to answer it.
"... No." That wasn't a good idea.
"Great." He grabs his shoes and slams the door behind him as he leaves me, naked, alone, and seriously questioning my sanity.
*
Monday morning. It's the first day in five years that Christian and I haven't walked to school together. Ever since Elementary, we've been friends. And in one night, I manage to ruin it all by being a complete cock.
It's before the first bell. I immediately head to Christian's locker to leave a pre-written note;
Chris, you have to know I'm sorry about Saturday.
You know how much I love you, right? I know it's not really in that way, but please...
Please speak to me?
- Yan
I slip it in the slot, even though I can imagine him ripping it up and setting it on fire straight away without even reading it.
The bell rings, and I head to English. Chris' seat is still empty, which is unusual for him. As the class fills with bored teenagers. Some are groaning as they walk through the door. Others look like they're still sleeping. None of them looks happy. But then again, it's Monday.
I watch the door hoping each person that walks in is Chris, but when he eventually struts in the room, I immediately lower my head in the vain hope that I somehow become invisible. No such luck. As he walks towards my desk, his heeled boots clicking on the hard floor and a long black skirt swishing around his legs, I muster the courage to look up at his face, but he's not even looking at me. Without making eye contact, he places a note on my desk as he passes. I open it, hopefully.
Eat shit.
- Chris
Well, at least I know where I stand now...
*
By the end of the day, I'm ready to jump off the roof. Chris has ignored me, and any of my attempts to make peace, and I'm so done with today. I start to pile my books into my locker after double checking it for any notes Chris might have left for me and coming up empty handed. I hear a voice behind me.
"Hey, Yan."
I turn to see Winter. He smiles nervously and gives a little wave. My heart jumps with love for him, but then I remember what lead me to think sleeping with Chris was a good idea, in the first place. I slam my locker shut and try to walk past him, but he stops me.
"Come on, talk to me."
"I have other things to worry about right now, okay Winter?" My voice is thick. "Just leave me alone." I push past him, but he only follows me.
"Please, Yan. Nothing happened with Andrei. You have to believe me." He sounds like he's telling the truth.
"I don't even care," I lie.
He's still following me as we come out the back of the school. "I'm not going to leave you alone, by the way."
"Fine!" I snap at him as I power-walk across the field towards The Shed.
"Seriously, Yan, are you mad at me?" He trots beside me, trying to match my speed. He may have longer legs than me, but I'm the faster walker.
"Yes, I'm mad! You just left me!"
"I got a text from my mother. I had to go see her." He's panting through his words. "Why are you going to The Shed?"
"To get some peace."
I head straight to the steps and sit, lighting a cigarette. "You can go now."
Winter is leaning against the side, gasping for air. He's surprisingly unfit.
"Did something happen with Christian?"
I shoot a glare at him. "No, why?"
"I just noticed that he was ignoring you all day. Usually, you guys are glued to each other --"
"Did Andrei and you fall out? Because you guys are usually fucking in the hallway."
Winter looks at me, wide-eyed. Okay, maybe that was a little unreasonable. I don't apologise. I'm still mad.
"Yan, I promise you... nothing happened with Andrei."
"I bet it would have if I hadn't interrupted you." I take a long drag from the cigarette.
"I'm telling you the truth! I only went to his room to tell him I wasn't going to be fooling around with him anymore. And then he tried to regardless. Okay, I had like two seconds of weakness, but then when I tried to stop him, that's when I heard Christian outside the door."
He's sitting by my side now. My cigarette is a small stump now, ash trailing off the end of the filter. I stub it out under my tennis shoe. "Okay, I... I guess I believe you."
Winter puts his hand to my face. "I promise you I'm not lying." He's looking into my eyes, and I'm melting a little, regardless of the cold breeze in the air. "Yan... I really..."
I swallow the lump in my throat, looking at him expectantly, waiting.
"I love you..."
My heart is jumping. I can feel a smile coming on, and I can't control it. Winter leans in and kisses me; his soft lips were stroking mine, our tongues touching, his fingers in my hair. Happiness stirs in my stomach in little flutters. And then I remember...
I pull away.
"What's the matter?" He pushes loose strands of my hair behind my ear, his eyes full of love and affection.
"I'm really happy you're here... but..." I pause. "Something... did happen with Chris."
"Did you fall out?"
"Yeah..." I dance between telling Winter the full story and not. "But... something big happened."
He blinks at me. "What was it?"
"Last night, after I thought you and Andrei were fooling around... I was mad at you."
He starts to apologise again.
"No, no... When Chris and me got back to my house..."
Winter is looking at me, listening to every word intently. "What happened?"
"We... we slept together."
I can see Winter's mind processing what I've just told him. He turns away from me. "You... what?"
"I was drunk, and I know it's not an excuse, but I was so angry with you because I thought you'd just left me and then went to Andrei to... to..."
He stands. "How could you?!"
"I thought you were --"
"But I wasn't, and if you had stuck around to let me explain, you would have known!" I can see the anger in his face. But it's not just anger. He's hurt. He's really hurt. "You know me better than that! I can't believe you would just..." He pauses. "You know what? I'm not even that surprised. You cheat on Allan and Satou so I guess it's the same, right?" There's so much malice in his tone. It cuts straight through me.
"Winter, it meant nothing to me. I swear I love you! I don't love them like I love you."
"Does Chris know that?!"
"I told him it didn't mean anything to me."
He looks aghast, horrified. I have a feeling that wasn't the right answer. "Does Chris know about... about you and me?"
I don't answer.
"You used your best friend as a pawn in your game of getting back at me, and he had no idea that's what you were doing? Wow. You're not who I thought you were."
I can feel my whole world crashing down, the mess of everything bad I've done lies in pieces around me, as Winter turns to go around The Shed and stops. I walk to him, thinking he's stopped because he's rethinking what he's just said. But as I turn too, I realise what a horrible mistake I've made.
Leaning against the side wall smoking a cigarette delicately between white fingers is Chris, black tears streaked on his cheeks. And he's heard everything I've just said.
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