WARNING: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
It's amazing how fast you can lose everyone important to you when you do something incredibly dumb. I think back to a simpler time, all of three days ago; things were still a mess with Winter, but I was happy and in bed with him. Chris was merely and only my best friend whom I loved more than anyone. I didn't know of any other kinds of feelings he may have been holding for me. I knew only his friendship, our spiritual closeness. It was the kind of closeness I wanted with no one else.
And now I'm caught between two loves; Winter looks from Chris to me, decided what he should say. I can tell he doesn't know what to do, but I can know what he's thinking because it's the same as what's going through my head; Yan, you're such a fuck up.
Christian throws his cigarette on the grass. "Don't mind me. Please continue your lover's tiff."
"What are you doing here?" is all I manage to blurt out.
He half smiles, bitterly. "I had a feeling you'd be here. It's our spot and... Forget it. Obviously, you were a bit too distracted to be thinking about me."
Winter looks awkward. "I'm gonna go --"
"Yeah, you better," Chris snaps at him, glaring.
Before he leaves, Winter glances at me. The look in his cold eyes stays with me as I watch him walk back across the field. I don't try to stop him this time.
"Christian, please can we --"
"Talk about it?" He scoffs disdainfully. His body language is nonchalant, but it's practised and unnatural. "There's not much to say, other than you're an asshole and I'm an idiot."
"How much of that did you hear?"
He ignores my question, offering only a hateful: "Apparently you're an idiot too."
"Seriously, Chris," I say desperately. "Are you telling me you've never made a mistake?"
He flinches as if the M word physically strikes him. "A mistake?" He swallows hard. "How can you say that to me?"
"Because that's... what it was..." Why am I saying this? Why can't I lie to protect his feelings? I put my hands on my face, no longer in control of the stupid words spilling from my lips.
"When did you get so heartless?" I can see his eyes welling with tears again. I want to hold him to make the tears go away like I normally would. But this isn't normal. This really really isn't normal. "God, I am a complete idiot..."
I can't bare to speak. I can feel more stupid words brewing in the pit of my lungs, just waiting to tear Chris's world apart just a little bit more.
"But you're right. I have made a mistake." He looks away, towards the school. "I thought you liked me."
"I do like you!"
"Not... like that." He fumbles for another cigarette, the flame of his lighter shuddering with the shake of his hands.
"I didn't realise..."
"I thought... when you wanted to kiss me..." Oh god, oh god. "I didn't realise it was to get back at Winter." He takes a hard drag from his cigarette. "It didn't even occur to me that you... would do something like that to me."
"I don't even know why I did it!" I can feel a stinging in my throat; my voice is shaking. I know where this is going. "Chris, please, you're... you're all I have."
"What about Allan and Satou?"
I'm a little horrified at myself; it's not that I'd just forgot about them, it's more like... they never were. They stopped existing.
"Maybe you need to learn from your actions, yeah?" Chris flicks the remainder of his cigarette on the ground. "I think we shouldn't hang out for a while."
"Why? Why can't we just pretend it never happened?" I'm clutching at straws, in vain. I know where this is going and nothing I say to him is going to change the facts: I'm an asshole who used him, destroyed his trust, broke his fragile heart.
"Because, I can't just forget!" He sighs heavily, the daggers of his gaze well and truly stabbing me. "You didn't... mean it, but at the time I thought you did, and I'm hurt. Don't you get it?"
Of course, I get it; he had a crush on me, and I didn't know, and then I used him, thinking we'd both just laugh about it in the morning. But the rabbit hole goes much deeper than that, apparently. I'm the worst person in the world.
"I'm lost without you, though." Please look at me. Please.
"Maybe it's time you found yourself then."
Without another glance in my worthless direction, he walks away, almost floating on air.
*
My heavy steps on the stairs. Maddie calls behind me, but I'm not listening. I'm busy fantasising that when I walk into my room, Chris will be there waiting. He'll let me hug him, and we'll be friends again. He'll lift a bottle of Jack from his bag, and we'll get drunk until it's far too late, and we'll be hungover in the morning, regretting our actions.
But of course when I open my door, the room stands cold and empty, and I fast forward to regretting different actions: the regret of not telling him about Winter in the first place, the regret of getting so drunk I wouldn't listen to reason, the regret of unintentionally playing with his heart.
I throw my bag on the floor and pull my phone from my pocket. I select Satou's name and press "call". It rings on and on until voicemail kicks in. I try Allan and get an answer.
"Hey, Yan!"
"Hi... are you free to talk?"
"Umm..." I hear a lot of voices in the background. "I'm busy right now. Can I call you back later maybe?"
"I... I need someone to talk to --"
I can hear him distantly talking to someone else, and their laughter, before his voice is directed at me, once again. "I promise, I call you --"
"You know what? Don't bother!" And I angrily press End Call, wishing I called on the house phone so I could have slammed it down dramatically. Instead, I throw my phone across the room, hitting the wardrobe. It bounces and smacks off the floor, sending the battery flying out the back of the case.
I scream quietly into my pillow, waiting for sleep to take over so I can forget for a few hours what a mess I've made of everything.
A quiet knock awakens me. The room is completely dark, and I'm immediately confused as to what time it is. I go to grab my phone off the bedside table and then I remember it still lies at the other end of the room in pieces. I click the lamp on.
There's another knock. "... Yan?"
I'm still too disoriented to decipher the voice. "Who... is it?"
"It... It's Winter..."
At the sound of his name, I dart out of bed and towards the door, stumbling on the way. I don't think I've moved that fast in a while. I pull the door open, and there he stands, a glowing aura around him - which is more my blurry post-nap vision but he's still beautiful.
"I thought you..."
"Aren't you going to invite me in?" He looks dangerous. There's no playfulness in his voice at all.
I step aside eagerly, and he walks past me towards the bed. He sits, uninvited.
"I'm sorry I got so angry at you earlier... I was just surprised."
I place myself next to him, not too close to assume he wants to be intimate, but not so far to wreck any intimacy.
"No... you are right. I did a horrible thing, and... now Chris isn't speaking to me, understandably."
"I didn't come here to talk about that," he says, honestly. "I know why you did it. I'm sorry that you felt the need to do that. I guess I shouldn't have gone to Andrei's room in the first place. It was asking for trouble."
I nod slightly. Not because I necessarily agree, or because I believe it. More just to let Winter know I'm listening to him.
Winter stares at his (undeniably perfect) hands, gesturing with them ever so slightly every few words. "I don't think what you did was at all excusable, but since we aren't a couple... and I left you without any explanation... I can't be mad at you for sleeping with someone else."
There's a profound silence between us; it's not awkward or weird, but perfectly placed, giving each of us quiet to think about the words that are now hanging in the air. I gaze at Winter staring at his hands.
A gentle cough from him breaks the heaviness. "And... I still... love you."
I take this as a cue that's it's okay to touch him. I lift my hand to his hair and run my fingers through it. But he's still looking down at his hands, unsmiling.
"But..." he says, defiantly.
I take back my hand. "But what?"
He finally turns to look at me. "I don't want to share you with anyone. I want you to be mine and only mine."
"I swear, the thing with Chris was a one-time thing, I don't feel like --"
"Seriously? I'm not talking about Chris; I'm talking about your boyfriends."
Oh... "Oh, I see." I turn away from Winter.
I can't say breaking up with them hasn't crossed my mind. The fact that it barely feels like Allan and Satou are even still part of my life anymore has made me cease even to think of them as my boyfriends. But...
"You don't want to be with me?" he murmurs.
"I do, I really do!" I pause, thinking. "Every time I try to talk to either of them, they always say they'll call back if they even answer at all."
"Well, maybe if you assembled your phone, they'd be able to call you." He stands, walking to the pieces on the floor and bundles them in his hand before passing the pile of phone parts to me. "Here."
I stare at the case and the battery. "Do you reckon I could just change my number?"
Winter laughs for the first time since he came over. "I guess... but that's mean."
I shake my head. "I'll figure something out," I say, placing the piece on the side table. "Later..." I turn back to Winter. "I want to just... be with you right now."
Winter sits back down next to me and wraps his arms around me. I lean into him, breathing in his familiarness, his warmth. I just want to pretend everything is okay...
I pull his face towards mine and kiss him, feeling that completeness he always gives me. He holds me closer, one hand on my shoulder, the other on my thigh. I run my fingers through his hair, pulling at it slightly at the nape of his neck because I know he likes it. As the kiss deepens and nibbles on my lip, his hand comes up under my shirt, stroking the skin on my stomach, sending shivers through my whole body. He pulls his lips away from mine and trails little kisses down my throat, sending my mind racing with all kinds of thoughts.
He pushes me down on the bed, and I wrap my legs around him. He holds my wrists above my head, kissing all over my neck. My hips involuntarily grind against him as I feel the heat of my erection strain against my jeans.
"Winter, we can't do this right now..." My words massively betray what my pants are telling me. "Maddie could walk in..."
Winter frees one of my wrists and slides his hand down my torso and back up my shirt. "No, she won't. She was on her way out when I came in."
Oh...
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