The sunlight of Saturday morning leaks through a gap in the curtains, falling right on my face and awakening me from my fitful sleep. The headache hits me immediately, the nausea coming afterwards; I'm hungover. Great. Just what I need. Christian's arm is stretched across my chest and his face is wedged between our two pillows. He's warm, and I can feel the pulse from his wrist against my shoulder, letting me know he hasn't suffocated.
I shimmy myself from under his arm and out of the bed, dizziness consuming my body for a few seconds while I steady myself on the bedroom's mantelpiece. Maddie has been in a lit the fire for us. I grab a t-shirt and head for the bathroom to wash my face.
As I step into the ensuite, my foot lands on a tiny pile of fabric; last night's soiled underpants. I'm overcome with shame again as I remember the despicable act I performed on myself right next to Christian, and kick it to the side. How...why did I do that? I seem to be asking myself that a lot lately. But then again, why does anyone do anything?
I swiftly brush my teeth, trying to not to vomit in the sink, before tying my messy hair into a bun, like a Samurai. I stare at my face. How could anyone find this attractive? My narrow eyes look beautiful on my Chinese model of a mother but on me, not so much. I get told often I look like her but I don't see it. She's too pretty for me to look like. Even when Winter would tell me... he would tell me how beautiful he thought I was...
Interrupting my fond thoughts, Chris bursts through the door and stumbles straight to the toilet, crying out "Oh sweet Lord!" before heaving into the bowl. I look away as I hear the splash of last night's dinner hitting the porcelain.
Self-deprecation over, I guess.
I think about holding his hair back but then I see that it's too late... "Take a shower when you're done," I say to him coldly before walking out.
"You asshole!" he calls to me, before more heaving.
I jog down the stairs and head straight for the kitchen in search of water, but instead, I find something colder sitting at the breakfast counter.
"Hi, Yan."
The long white-blonde hair, the white sweater/tight jeans/white Converse combo, the ever so slightly flirtatious smirk on the lips...
"Winter... what are you... why are you..."
"You've barely spoken to me since summer. I thought I'd see how you are, is all."
"Have you ever heard of a phone?" I'm practically yelling through a whisper, which is hard to do, but you can imagine.
"You haven't returned any of my texts..." He looks injured.
"Yeah, well maybe you should take the hint." I know I'm being mean. But I can't be nice to him right now. He smiles at me.
"Cute look."
And I'm reminded; I'm dressed in a t-shirt and boxers; my hair is up. Oh God. This is what girls must feel like when their crush sees them without their makeup on.
Did I just imply Winter is my crush?
"Could you... could you leave, please?" I'm trying to be straightforward, but just his presence makes me feel a little funny. "I don't want anyone to see you here."
He stands to move towards me. "Why? You scared someone's gonna catch us?"
"No, because there's nothing to catch..." I'm shaking as he puts his hands on my waist, lifting my t-shirt. "What are you doing?!" I move to pull his hands away but he quickly moves them into my boxers.
"What does it look like?"
"Winter... stop..." His hand moves up and down, and I quickly harden against his fingers. I grab on to his shoulder, the heat starting to radiate through my entire body. "We can't... not here..."
He stops, taking his hands from my pants. I can feel my face blushing as his eyes pierce mine. "You look really cute with your hair up."
And he's kissing me; soft and hard at the same time, his hands are on my neck and mine on his back, and my heart is beating fast against his chest.
Then I remember.
I break the kiss and push him away. "No..." I say, and mean it this time. "I'm taken, you know that. And... and you..."
"And I what?"
Andrei... "You're over me, right?"
He looks at me, not with confusion like he should be. He should be asking me "How do you know?" or something. But he just stares at me.
"I knew that was Christian at the window!" he says, a little too loud for my liking.
"Shhh! He's upstairs," I cover his mouth with my hand. "Yes. We saw you. So you don't need to... you don't need to be here, okay?"
"I don't want Andrei, I want you."
My heart jumps a little, just at those words. How badly I wanted to hear those words, but I can't let that change my mind now. "I'm taken," I repeat.
"That didn't really bother you before."
"I was only using you because I was bored and lonely, okay? So leave, now, before Christian sees you."
I'm totally not lying. I'm not. I'm NOT.
"Yan, I only went with Andrei because..."
"Winter, I really don't care that you were with him. Or anyone. You can go fuck whoever you like, it honestly doesn't bother me at all." Okay, I'm totally lying. When did I get so good at this? The words are spouting like toxic waste. "You were just for summer."
The final blow. He looks down, and I spot a tear...falling slowly down his cheek. "Right."
He charges past me, and the full force of what I've just said lands on me.
"Winter, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that!" I turn, following him through the hall.
He's pulling the front door open. "Yan, it's okay. I get it now."
And he's gone.
I bring my hands to my face, fighting the urge to scream into them. Why did I do that?
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